Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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