i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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