If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
