Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
