I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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