I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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