Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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