There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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