Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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