dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
