So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
