There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
