just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
