I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
