the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
