look no pants
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
