My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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