Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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