I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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