How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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