In America we eat man semen.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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