i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
