Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
