guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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