Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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