cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
