i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
