lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
