oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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