she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
