I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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