What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
