We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
