Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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