I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I lost the right to judge tonight
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
