Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
