Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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