Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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