Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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