She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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