I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
