What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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