We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
