If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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