Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
