Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
