It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
