Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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