I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
vagina is talking i cant
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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