i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
