Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
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