listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
