the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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