Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
