how can u be prego again
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
